How Long Does Betrayal Trauma Last?
If you’re wondering how long it takes to recover from the pain of betrayal trauma, the answer is: It depends. I know that answer sucks, but it really does depend on so many factors that it’s impossible to give a blanket answer. Some of the factors that affect how long you have to suffer this horrible burden include:
- Did they confess or did you discover the infidelity on your own?
- What was the extent of their cheating behavior?
- What is their behavior like now?
- Have you been betrayed before?
- What is your support system like?
- What are you doing to take care of yourself?
The answers to these questions will help determine how long the symptoms of betrayal trauma will last for you, but it’s not like you can plug your answers into a computer and get an response like, “Your betrayal trauma will last 289 days, 4 hours, and 17 minutes.” You already know it doesn’t work that way.
I can say that if you focus on your own healing and don’t pin all your hopes on your partner, you will probably feel way less crazy within a year. That doesn’t mean you’ll be fully healed, but you probably won’t feel so much like cutting their teeth out with a samurai sword or burying yourself under a blanket mountain and never emerging again.
Why Loyalty Won’t Heal Your Betrayal Trauma
You can harbor hope that your partner will change, just don’t make that the primary determinant of your happiness. Why? I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but you can’t make anyone change except yourself. Blah blah blah, right? If your partner would just stop being the Michael Jordan of acting like a son of a bitch, things would be so much better, right?
Yeah, things might be better. But then again, maybe not. The thing is, even if they stop cheating, they are still the same person. They have shown that they are the type of person who is okay with betraying you, lying to you, manipulating you, gaslighting you, defending their shitty behavior, blaming you for their shitty behavior – all that spina bifida bullshit. So yeah, maybe they’re not cheating, but unless they can magically change a huge chunk of their personality overnight, they’re still kind of an asshole.
And we all know people don’t change overnight. It takes YEARS to change those deeply ingrained thoughts, coping methods, and ways of behaving that we’ve used for pretty much our whole lives. In fact, most knowledgeable therapists will tell you that it takes a minimum of 2 years, but often 3-5 years for a relationship to recover from betrayal. Yeah, year two won’t be as bad as year one, but it’s still HARD.
Are You Willing to Commit to a Few Years of Hardship?
If you are, that’s totally fine. No judgment here. You got together with your partner for a reason and you’ve developed a really strong attachment bond with them. If you don’t want to break that bond, don’t break it. And don’t feel guilty about that either. You do you and tell all the haters to get on outta here.
If you’re unsure about whether or not you want to stick around that long, that’s okay too. In fact, that’s pretty much the norm. Should I stay or should I go? Don’t expect to be able to make a firm decision right away. It sucks to live with such massive uncertainty, but sometimes you just need to wait and watch.
The point is, just be aware of what you’re committing to if you stay. 2-5 years of healing your relationship. Plus, you gotta heal yourself in there and hope that they do the same for themselves. It’s a lot (but so fucking beautiful and worth it when it happens).
If the decision has already been made and you’re not together anymore, your healing *might* go a bit quicker. You only have to focus on healing yourself, not yourself plus the relationship. That’s obviously less work. But it can also be really hard if you don’t have a solid support network. If your partner was the only person in this world who truly got you and now they’re gone, oof. You might now feel like an isolated outcast, drifting alone in a tiny raft on a massive and dangerous sea, perhaps while watching other big, shiny, happy boats full of people float by, unable to reach them, knowing that you are utterly alone on a flimsy hunk of wood that is the only thing separating you from oblivion. Gotdam do I know the heaviness of that feeling!
Tracking Progress Within the Shit Ball
Yes, most people will feel a fair amount better within about a year. But to be fair, I’ve seen some folks experience significant healing in six months and others who are multiple years in and still feeling awful. It can be difficult to see your progress from inside the shit ball, so it’s helpful to have some kind of external way of tracking it. Keep a journal or a log of your symptoms and look back once every month or so to see what progress you’ve made.
I have a (completely unresearched) theory that the pain of betrayal trauma is similar to the pain of having a baby in that your brain blocks some of it out over time. At the time, it may have felt like the most painful, terrifying, earth-shattering thing ever. Six months later you may remember it as being quite rough, but it’s hard to remember the depth and intensity of it. So if things are still feeling pretty rough, you may not be aware of how much things have actually changed. Tracking those changes means bringing awareness to them and maybe bringing a bit of positivity or gratitude for those improvements into your mindset. Trust that I do not think gratitude will magically heal your trauma. But it can be a tiny ray of light amid the darkness of the shit ball.
Side note about the history of the shit ball: One of the useful things my old therapist suggested to me was to imagine all of my partner’s stupid, crazy-making words forming into this ball in between us. I didn’t need to take on the weight of that ball, I could just let it be (or dodge the hell out of it). Or, if I felt really generous, I could HELP him hold the ball (not hold it by myself). I came to call this ball of words the shit ball because it literally felt like a bunch of bullshit he was spewing at me. Eventually I learned to spot shit balls from a mile away and avoid getting any shit on me at all. And now I pass the legendary wisdom of the shit ball from that wisened therapist on to all of my clients.
Okay, back to making progress. Every time you notice that you’ve made some tiny bit of progress, celebrate the shit out of it. Here’s an example. I was always pretty frugal, probably to an unhealthy degree when it came to things I wanted but didn’t truly need (hello money trauma). If my shoes were falling apart I would try to glue them back together instead of just buying a new pair. “I don’t need a new pair of shoes! These still work perfectly fine!” I said this as I kept tripping over the floppy tread on the soles.
But about two months after D-Day, I bought myself a rug! Yeah, it sounds pretty dumb. I was tired of my feet being cold on the wood floors, but I didn’t NEED a new rug. I bought one because I realized that my discomfort was real and meaningful. I didn’t have to ignore my needs or desires anymore. I had a right to recognize that they were real and to prioritize meeting them. This was life-changing for me.
Okay, one more example. About four or five months after D-Day, I found myself getting sucked into another one of his crazy-making conversations. I literally saw myself getting sucked into the shit ball and said to myself, “Fuck this. I don’t want to waste my energy on this anymore.” So I didn’t. Instead I went for a lovely walk in the woods. And I high-fived the shit out of myself the whole time.
“Look at me! I can walk away from a stupid argument and do something that makes me happy instead!” It may sound silly or like something any normal human would naturally do, but it was a big deal for me. I didn’t have to convince him of anything or soothe his fragile ego or listen to his bullshit excuses anymore. I could just let him sit in his own shit and go on my merry way.
Once I had a few of these small successes under my belt, I realized that I was really capable of doing things differently. Of not pinning all my happiness on him and his behavior. Of being okay even if he acted like an asshole. I realized I could take care of myself. And while I still had shit to deal with, I knew that I was beginning to move past my betrayal trauma.
Signs You’re Beginning to Recover From Betrayal Trauma
Since I’m a dork who likes organizing things, I’ve summarized the signs that you’re beginning to recover from betrayal trauma into this handy dandy set of bullet points:
- You start prioritizing your own needs
- You stop prioritizing their needs or trying to solve their problems for them
- You don’t get sucked into the shit ball as often
- You start focusing on taking care of yourself and letting them take care of themselves
- You realize that things can be different, even if you’re not sure what that looks like yet
- You stop donating your time and energy to them while getting nothing (or very little) in return
- You start spending more time doing things you enjoy
- You start to consider a new vision of your future
Recovering from betrayal trauma can’t be forced, but you can help it along by doing these things. It’s still important to allow yourself to feel your feelings though. If you’re filled with despair, let it fill you. It hurts (so fucking bad), but I promise it won’t last forever. If you’re filled with rage, go throw rocks or something. Stuffing those feelings away or bottling them up or avoiding them means they’ll just sit there and fester inside of you. Get that shit OUT.
And while you’re letting this pain work its way out, do something you enjoy once in a while. Like looking at pictures of cute cats.
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If you’d like to schedule a session with me to talk more about betrayal trauma, cute cats, or anything else, you can request an appointment below.
WRITTEN BY
Jennifer Carragher